


this thing that builds our dreams (yet slips away from us)

by darksideofmyroom



Series: anatomy of the aftermath [4]
Category: Avengers infinity war - Fandom, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Dreams, Gen, I’m not sure if I love this or if it’s the worst thing I’ve ever written, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Non-Linear Narrative, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric, Unreliable Narrator, pls read this I beg of you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-05 23:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16820797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darksideofmyroom/pseuds/darksideofmyroom
Summary: “does it hurt more  to lose something or to realize you never had it?”Tony travels through his mind as he drifts across the sky.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> all my wip include a whole lot of structured narrative sequences so I guess my brain exploded under the stress of it and created this. hope you enjoy!

“We’ve already talked about it, Tony”  
The sun shines directly on her face, and Tony thinks she looks more beautiful than ever, even if he can’t quite focus on her traits.  
  
“We can talk about it again” he insists. He sips from his coffee and gives her a smirk.  
  
Pepper rolls her eyes, but she’s not actually annoyed or exasperated as she so often gets whenever they argue.  
  
Her expression is soft, and she looks like she doesn’t want to listen to him because she doesn’t want to admit that deep down, she wants the same thing.  
  
He thinks she’s always been too careful, too smart. She doesn’t like the prospect of running into something unknown so quickly, but he knows there’s a part of her that wants to give in.  
  
Tony remembers that they’re in love, looking at her eyes.  
  
“I just don’t think we’re ready yet” she tells him.  
  
Tony sighs and leans back on his chair.  
  
All around them is spring, flowers blooming in the warm weather, and the air feels clean, easy to breathe.  
  
They’re sitting outside a small café having breakfast, somewhere in Italy perhaps.  
  
Tony thinks they’re in Italy.  
  
“Listen, Pep, I love you. I’m so glad to have you by my side, I just feel so happy and I feel like, for the first time in so long, everything’s going to be fine. And having a kid, you and me, giving life to a child and getting to love them, raise them, together, I-I just think it would be perfect”  
  
Pepper smiles at him, and the emotions on her face are the same Tony feels growing in his chest.  
  
“Tony” she says, and it’s his name but it’s something else entirely, and it feels real already, this is going to be them.  
  
“Tony!”  
  
He’s looking down at his feet, and they’re small, smaller than he ever remembered them to be.  
  
“Look at me when I’m talking to you, boy”  
  
His father grabs his face and Tony forces himself to look at him.  
  
He feels scared, defenceless under Howard Stark’s hard eyes.  
  
A feeling of suffocating loneliness washes over him, but he can’t quite understand.  
He’s not alone. Is he?  
  
“Good things never last, Tony”  
  
It’s weird, cause he doesn’t remember this, he’s sure this never happened.  
  
Yet he nods his head and his eyes begin to feel wet.  
  
He’s always been too easy to tear apart, he thinks, a bitter taste in his mouth.  
  
His chest begins to feel tight and suddenly there’s a weight on his back.  
  
He’s kissing the stars goodbye, and Pepper doesn’t answer the phone and Tony is going to die away from home.  
  
He feels himself letting go, falling and falling but he doesn’t lose balance, he’s just losing himself.  
  
And then he’s scared, then he sees it and he forgets to breathe for a few years.  
  
Earth is not safe, he can’t do anything to save it because what’s coming is just too big, unstoppable.  
  
Tony saw it, but no one believes him.  
  
Space is so cold and the threat it brings is deadly silent. Tony wants his world to be small.  
  
“Mister Stark? Are you okay?”  
  
Suddenly, it’s warm, because Peter is here, and Peter brings fondness and pride, he brings loyalty and goodness, he brings time.  
  
But he’s still scared, he’s petrified because Peter is here, Peter can fall and he can bleed and Tony can lose more and more and more.  
  
“I’m fine. How are you?”  
  
Peter looks up at him uncertainly, worrying on his lip “I guess I’m scared. Maybe. A little bit”  
  
Tony guesses that makes two of them.  
  
“You’re gonna be fine, kiddo. I promise” he puts a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze.  
  
Peter gives him a timid smile “I know, you’re here. It’s going to turn out okay”  
  
Tony wants to cry, he’s not so sure why.  
Maybe because he’s lying to the kid and he still looks at him with that trust in his eyes, like he could never let him down.  
  
He knows he’s going to let him down, eventually, and it will hurt as much as tearing his heart out of his chest.  
  
“But, Mister Stark?”  
  
Tony hums.  
  
“You know that’s not really going to happen”  
  
It’s like being kicked right in the chest.  
  
Tony flinches, he takes a whole step back.  
His breath is caught in his throat, and he brings a hand to his chest, he needs to know his heart is still beating.  
  
He knows.  
God, he knows.  
  
Peter is going to disappear, Tony’s going to feel him slip away from his fingers.  
  
“No, no”  
  
Peter takes his hand, a sad smile on his face and silent tears rolling down his cheeks.  
  
“I’m sorry, Tony”  
  
Tony lets out a choked sob.

He can’t do anything, he’s going to have to watch his kid beg for his life. 

_Again._

“Don’t say that” he almost begs, his heart breaking at the reality of his tragedy. 

“Are you talking to yourself now?” it’s Rhodey.

Tony doesn’t understand, because Rhodey wasn’t there with him when the world ended.

Yet he can’t help but give in to the comfort of his voice, the reassurance of his presence.

He feels like Rhodey could fix this, Rhodey always helps him put things back into place. 

What would Tony even be without him?

“I thought your fever was starting to break” he says, concern on his face as he lays a hand on his forehead.

That’s when Tony realizes he’s sitting on the worn out couch they used to have in college and Rhodey isn’t wearing his leg braces to walk.

“What?”

“You’re sick, remember?”

Tony sits up, anxiety crawling up on him.

He needs to get to Peter, he can’t just hide in a happy memory while Thanos wins the war.

“Whoa buddy, take it slow”

Rhodey slides an arm around his back to support him and Tony leans into the contact instinctively, he doesn’t even notice.

“I need to get to the kid”

“The only kid ‘round here is you, Tones. What are you even talking about?”

“Peter” he explains, even though he knows Rhodey won’t understand, not this Rhodey, at least.

“Who? Listen man, I think you should lie down”

“Rhodey” he grabs his best friend’s shoulders, looking straight into his younger face “Do you trust me?”

“Of course, but I think you might be a little delirious right now so-”

“I need you to hear me out, okay? Just hear me out” Rhodey opens his mouth but Tony speaks before he has a chance to say anything “I have no idea what’s going on, I just know something’s really, really wrong and I need to find this kid”

“That makes no sense, Tones”

“Stranger things have happened”

Rhodey raises his eyebrows “They have?”

“Just wait ‘til you get to your forties”

“What? Tony-“

“I become a superhero, you too. Captain America is back. Also gods are a thing, and there’s aliens attacking Earth”

“What the hell? Honestly, just get back in bed, I’ll go fetch a thermometer or something”

“Rhodey” Tony grabs his arm as he starts walking away, a little bit of desperation bleeding into his tone “Please, I need your help”

The other man looks at him as he considers it, then he sighs, defeated “Alright, I’m going to entertain this insanity. So, how do we find this kid?”

“I don’t know”

“Well that’s a great start”

Tony runs his hands through his hair, he closes his eyes as he tries to figure out what he has to do.

“I think I’m the one to control this, whatever this is”

“Uh?”

“Maybe we’re inside my mind?” he asks, not Rhodey, but himself.

It feels like that’s what it is, he’s walking through the mazes of his mind.

He’s seen his dreams, his conversation with Pepper about having a child together, he’s come across his insecurities, his father and his harsh words.

He’s lived through his biggest fears, New York, the nuke, and Peter dying.

But Peter didn’t die yet, right?

Tony was going to stop that from happening.

“Then it’s up to you. You just gotta think about being with Peter, the rest will follow”

He looks at Rhodey and he realizes he’s the rational part of his mind.

He’s the part that’s keeping Tony grounded, focused. He’s helping him find the right path, just like he’s always done.

For a moment, Tony forgets about everything but just how much he appreciates Rhodey being in his life.

“Alright” he snaps out of his thoughts “Peter” 

He focuses on the kid.

_The kid._

The kid from Queens who fights crime in a spandex and builds LEGO sets in his free time, the one who keeps tripping over his own words and whose terribly young voice keeps cracking in the most horrible ways.

The fifteen year old with a big heart in the right place and smarts just above normal, that one big mess of good intentions and teenage awkwardness.

Peter Parker, the kind hearted boy with the softest smile. Spider-Man, the local superhero who looks out for the little guy.

The kid, as Tony likes to refer to him, and sometimes, _his_ kid.

“Thanks for driving me home Mister Stark, I had so much fun today!”

Tony’s sitting behind the wheel of one of his Audis, and Peter’s there, sitting on the passenger seat, unbuckling his seatbelt and about to get out of the car.

“Peter” there’s a certain urgency in his voice, and the boy senses it right away, his head whipping in his direction.

“What is it?” he asks, his eyes wide but he doesn’t look panicked, not yet. He looks ready, alert.

“Pete”

“Mister Stark?”

“Kid, what am I supposed to do?”

Peter’s expression softens, and he looks at Tony like he knows what he’s referring to.

But that’s not right, Peter can’t know because it hasn’t happened yet.

Tony didn’t fail him yet.

“You did what you could, Mister Stark. It’s okay, I’m sure you’ll find a way to fix it” 

It’s not okay and there’s no possible way Tony can fix it because Peter died begging for his life and all Tony did was hold him.

“You were so scared, Pete” his voice breaks as he speaks, and it hurts.

Maybe it did happen.

Peter smiles sadly at him and he suddenly feels like throwing up.

“I know. But you need to wake up now”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want it to be real”

“You’re gonna make it right, Mister Stark. I believe in you” Peter smiles at him once more before he gets out of the car and he starts gambolling towards the apartment building. 

Tony’s vomiting on the sidewalk the moment he leaves.

It hurts, he doesn’t think he’s ever hurt this much. 

He can feel tears running down his face and he feels so tired all at once, so desperate.

He starts falling.

Then, his eyes snap open, he’s gasping for air.

He comes to in the Guardian’s ship.

His side aches and it’s hard to breathe.

It’s real, they lost.

He forces his eyes shut, but sleep doesn’t come.


	2. across the universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes, Tony doesn’t pay it any mind, and he looks at the stars.

Tony doesn’t care about time, not really, not anymore.

Time has no meaning when you’re lost somewhere in the depths of the universe, so far from home, far from life.  
Time is of no importance when you’re sorely fed by loss.

He doesn’t sleep, but he’s not awake, not enough to care.

He knows he’s on Quill’s ship, and he’s not the only one. His companion a blue alien, the daughter of Thanos. 

Tony is vaguely aware that her name is Nebula, but it’s a knowledge of no real relevance given the circumstances.

He doesn’t need to know her name to feel her grief, and grief is the only thing that he can process.

It doesn’t feel like he’s dreaming, he knows he’s not.  
Yet he waits for the morning light to roll around, he waits for a sun that’s too far away for them to reach to rise over the horizon, bringing a new day, a new hope.

A world that isn’t dying.

A world that he knows he won’t get to see.

Nebula tells him they’re running out of food on the third day.

Some kind of alarm goes off somewhere deep in his brain but he’s way too tired, too wrecked to pay it any mind.

He thinks of Pepper while he tries to trick himself to fall asleep. He wants to dream of her.

He tries to picture her looking down at him, her eyes full of emotion and the corner of her lips shyly turning upwards.

He tries to summon the sound of her voice, but he fails every time. 

Tony can’t hear Pepper’s voice, so he listens to Peter beg for his life, instead.

Over and over again, and each time hurts even more. His words drip with fear and desperation and Tony can’t take it.

Peter didn’t want to go, he wasn’t supposed to go.  
Tony was supposed to keep him safe, Tony was supposed to save him, because Peter was barely seventeen and he didn’t deserve to die, he couldn’t just-

Tony struggles to believe Peter really is gone, despite the fact that he still feels ash on his hands.

On the third day Tony gets up.

“The ship has been damaged”

Tony nods, he sits before the control panels and starts reading through them, his eyes searching through the data attentively. He’s not sure what he’s looking for, probably a way to fix this, which is what he always looks for. He hopes he finds it.

“I don’t think we’re going to make it to Earth” she pauses, and the silence that is left forms a void in the air. Then she adds “Not alive”

Tony nods. It doesn’t matter.

He does try to repair the starship.  
The part of him that’s still holding on to life is what keeps him focused, the part of him that hopes to see Pepper, see Rhodey and Happy again keeps him awake through the night trying to find a way to save himself.

It’s an unknown feeling that crashes over him once he realizes he can’t fix it.

He embraces it, and it feels cold as it spreads in his chest.

Tony Stark never came across something he couldn’t repair, his brains had always guaranteed him an alternative solution, his own hands brought him salvation every time.  
Tony Stark always found a way out.

Or he always had.

As the realization hits him, Tony makes peace with two things: nothing will ever be the way it was before, and everything comes to an end.

It’s not sad, it’s not tragic. It is what it is, and Tony takes it in.

He always knew, deep down, that death would have been brought to him by the stars, anyway.

He tries to dream, now that he knows he’s got so little time left, he wants to have that kind of comfort, even if it’s just pretend.  
He tries to dream, but he can’t. Tony guesses he doesn’t deserve any kind of bliss, not even now, and the thought brings a bitter taste to his mouth.

Nebula tells him they’re out of food supplies, Tony runs some scans and he finds they only have four days left of oxygen.

He’ll suffocate.  
It’ll be the same fear he felt when he fell into the pool when he was five, the same pain that crashed over him when he found out his mom was gone, the same horror that overcame him when he looked down at his own heart on the operating table.  
He’ll experience it all over again.

His lungs will stop working properly like they did all the time after New York, his heart will ache and break the same way it did when he saw Pepper fall, then Rhodey, then Peter.

He’ll suffocate once again, and it’ll be the last time.

Tony spends his last days looking at the universe as it swallows them up.

He looks at the stars, the nebulosas, the solar systems, the black holes.

It’s beautiful, it’s perhaps the most beautiful sight one could imagine to witness.

Tony hates it, not because it’s the last thing he’ll see.  
He hates it cause it’s too big, too cold. He can’t stand it cause it has no meaning, not anymore, but mostly, he loathes it cause it’s not home.

He remembers Peter kept an astronomy book on his bedside table, in his room at the compound.  
He told him once about how much he loved the stars, and Tony wonders if he still did when he looked up at them for the last time, on Titan. 

He misses Peter, and he knows it’s terrible to think so, but he hopes May faded away too, just so she won’t have to lose her kid, so she won’t have to miss him too.

Time passes, Tony doesn’t pay it any mind, and he looks at the stars. 

He grieves, for what he’s lost, what he’s going to lose, and what he never had.

The universe dances under his eyes, all colors and lights.

At the end of the day Tony can’t bring himself to feel scared of space.  
He can’t bring himself to feel much, really, except for agony and loss, but he fools himself into thinking he has found peace.

It’s on the fourth day without food and water, that he picks up what’s left of his helmet and starts recording a message for Pepper.

He does it because she deserves at least that, and he wants to say goodbye to her, he wants her to know she’s always been the one.

He’s ready, now, for when the time comes.  
He’s not sure if it’ll hurt, or if it’ll be like falling asleep.

What he knows is he’ll be finally able to dream again, he’ll get to see Pepper, and somehow, that makes it okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay just to be clear TONY STARK WILL NOT FORKING DIE IN AVENGERS ENDGAME CAUSE HE’S A BAD BITCH AND WE ALL KNOW BAD BITCHES CAN’T BE KILLED!!!  
> but I just had to write this anyway cause I’m a sucker for angst and once I finished crying over the trailer I suddenly realized it fits with this story so yeah I had to.  
> Also I had like a LOT of Pepper and Tony feels and god, I never say how much I love my parents but I really do.  
> Anyway, pls let me know what you’ve thought of this, it’d make me super duper happy to know.  
> Well that’s it, hope you’re having a good day/night/afternoon!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please let me know your thoughts on this, if you feel like it, I’d really appreciate it!  
> Fun fact, I didn’t write this to be a part of the series but I guess it fits? I feel like it fits lol  
> Anyways, sorry for the eventual incorrect use of English and grammar mistakes and I hope you’re having a great day/night/evening/afternoon


End file.
